Chapter Two

Chapter Two

“I hate you and everything you stand for, giant panda,” our heroine, K. Jirstan glared.

“You shall refer to me as Lord Fuzzy, weakling!” exclaimed the giant panda…uh…I mean….Lord Fuzzy. “With your sister dead and you in my clutches, the Boudoir Kingdom will be mine forever!!”

‘Oh, he is so next winter’s fur coat,’ thought K. Jirstan. “Luckily, black and white is the new black.”

That night, she began to look for an escape. The bars of her cage were tall, but they didn’t reach the ceiling. She remembered the wise words of her best friend, Staura Latton: “When you’re at your lowest, the only place you can go is up.” And so, once Lord Fuzzy was safely asleep, K. Jirstan began to climb. Before you could say, “Staples. That was easy,” she was out of the cave and running far into the night.

After keeping up her excellent pace for about a mile, she suddenly heard a noise behind her. She stopped her highly attractive Baywatch sprint and spun around to see none other than the gorgeous, grinning, half-naked stable boy, Zefron.

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t the stunningly beautiful princess, K. Jirstan. What are you doing in this dark, dangerous, and somewhat seductive part of the woods? And in such incredible shoes! You always did have excellent taste, Princess. Is there anything I can do for you?” His soothing voice and sultry eyes were enough to put K. Jirstan at ease.

‘I can think of quite a few things you can do for me,’ she thought, but what she said was, “You have got to help me. There’s a giant panda on the loose, and we have to stop him!”

“A giant panda, you say? I know just the man to help us.” Zefron took K. Jirstan’s hand and began to lead her on a G-rated, musical path to victory. Not only did K. Jirstan feel comforted, but she began to realize that her high school experience would have been much more rewarding if only she had celebrated her peer's differences through song and dance.

They soon found themselves standing before a massive fortress.

“Go ahead. Ring the doorbell. The knight who lives here is strong and fierce. He will know exactly what to do,” said the half-naked Zefron.

K. Jirstan slowly approached the huge doors, reached out a trembling finger, and pressed the button.

She immediately dropped down…down…down…a long, slimy tunnel. It seemed to go on forever, until her ride came to an abrupt, unpleasant end. As she collected her wits and her breath, she raised her eyes upward to gaze upon the face of none other than Lord Fuzzy.

“You fool!!!” he cried as he threw her back into her new, improved, roofed, cage. “Zefron and I were all in this together the entire time!! Muah hahahahahaha!!!”

“Damn it!” thought our heroine. “I should have listened to the words of my dearly departed sister.” It was known throughout the kingdom that Mlake Bargaret was very wise in the ways of men, and one of her most beloved teachings was quoted throughout the land:

Straight men never compliment shoes unless they have an ulterior motive.

Chapter One: The Adventure Begins...

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young princess named K. Jirstan. She was a girl of simple pleasures: always happy to spend her days brushing her hair, picking flowers, and kicking ass at jousting and sword play. Until...the sun rose on a dark, dark day. (Wait…does that even make sense? Never mind.) K. Jirstan was taking an innocent stroll around the harmless castle when suddenly she became distracted by the young, gorgeous, half naked stable boy named Zefron. He grinned his winning grin at her, and she winked in response. K. Jirstan is notorious for being an excellent winker. However, in that one, rare, moment of weakness, K. Jirstan’s world suddenly went black.


When she came to, she found herself cold, alone, and disoriented…but never afraid. She seemed to be held captive in a giant cave, though she herself was in a cage, so further exploration was not an option. Just as the thought ‘who has done this to me?’ crossed her mind, she began to hear footsteps approach. Adrenaline surged though her as the steps became louder…louder…louder. Tension built. Step…step…step… Just as the suspense began to get a bit boring, her captor emerged into the light. K. Jirstan immediately knew she had been mistaken. Her kidnapper was no “who.” He was a “what.” For standing before her, in all his terror and might, was Him. Lord Fuzzy. The giant panda.


“Muah ha ha ha! Now I’ve got you right where I want you!” he laughed his evil laugh evilly.


“You are powerless against me!” K. Jirstan exclaimed. “I am not afraid!”


“Bitch, please.” Lord Fuzzy chuckled. “For it is I—I!—who caused the mysterious disappearance of your sister, Mlake Bargaret. They mystery is over! I kidnapped her, then drowned her in a giant vat of Frosty!”


“You fiend!” she cried.


“You have no idea. It wasn’t even chocolate!” he laughed.


“I hate you and everything you stand for, giant panda,” she glared.

...to be continued...