Chapter Three
The next few days passed slowly for K. Jirstan. Lord Fuzzy was in no hurry to carry out his plans, whatever they were, and our heroine slowly began to lose hope for escape.
One dark night, when all was still, K. Jirstan found herself in tears. She missed her sister. She missed Staura. She missed her old life. She missed her shoes. Just as she began to miss her sanity, a light appeared in the corner of her cell. ‘What the hell?’ thought the princess charmingly.
As the light grew brighter, it began to take on the form of a small, sprightly, yet somehow still masculine fairy.
“Do not be alarmed. My name is Walker Texas Crainger, but you can call me Twinkle Butt,” said the sparkly pink being.
“Hello, Twinkle Butt. Have you come to rescue me?” asked K. Jirstan.
“Unfortunately, my powers are weak in the presence of Lord Fuzzy,” sighed Twinkle Butt. “I can, however, offer you three fishes.”
“Fish?!?” asked K. Jirstan. “How is that going to help?”
“Be patient, princess. You may find that these gifts will help you to overthrow your enemy,” smiled Twinkle Butt, albeit a little creepily.
He drew forth a golden fish on a chain.
“This is the Carp of Loyalty. When you wear this around your neck, you will know friend from foe.”
“Oh, Twinkle Butt! Thank you so much! Now I will never be fooled by heartless musical half naked stable boys again!” exclaimed the princess.
Next, Twinkle Butt displayed the Sprat of Transfiguration.
“This fish can change into any item in the universe,” explained the fairy.
“Awesome!”
“Not so fast—the sprat can only hold its form for exactly five seconds, and it cannot repeat forms. I already tried to turn it into the key for your lock, but I dropped it accidentally, and it was too late,” he said.
‘Stupid Twinkle Butt,’ she thought, but outwardly she was the queen of class. (She also thought, 'Isn't that a bit convenient for this plot line?' but the author deleted this upon editing.)
“Finally, I present to you this sardine,” said Twinkle Butt.
“The sardine of what?”
“Nothing. I just thought you might need a snackie after being cooped up in here all day,” explained the fairy.
‘Other girls get a fairy godmother, but I get this guy? Great,’ thought K. Jirstan sadly. She thanked Twinkle Butt for his three fishes, and then he went on his way.
At that exact moment—that one exactly, not one sort of close to it and I'm lying for dramatic emphasis, but that one moment—Lord Fuzzy entered.
“Bad Guy,” whispered the Carp of Loyalty.
“Thanks, I think I figured that out,” said K. Jirstan.
“It is time!” thundered Lord Fuzzy. “I have spent the last few days getting my affairs in order, and now I am finally ready!! Muahahahaha!!”
“You cannot intimidate me with your pitiful excuse for evil laughter!” said K. Jirstan bravely.
“Cute,” sneered Lord Fuzzy. “You seem courageous now, but I have yet to reveal my super secret accomplice.” He waved a furry paw towards the entrance of the cave.
Suddenly, K. Jirstan gasped. For the figure that was now silhouetted in the doorway was feared throughout all the lands in the kingdom. Her reputation spread through dark rumors of a cold, ruthless evil. No one who had ever crossed her survived. For the first time since her kidnapping, K. Jirstan felt a flutter of apprehension as none other than Staylor Aniforth stepped into the light.
She looked into K. Jirstan’s eyes and smiled: “All hope is lost.”
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Chapter Two
Chapter Two
“I hate you and everything you stand for, giant panda,” our heroine, K. Jirstan glared.
“You shall refer to me as Lord Fuzzy, weakling!” exclaimed the giant panda…uh…I mean….Lord Fuzzy. “With your sister dead and you in my clutches, the Boudoir Kingdom will be mine forever!!”
‘Oh, he is so next winter’s fur coat,’ thought K. Jirstan. “Luckily, black and white is the new black.”
That night, she began to look for an escape. The bars of her cage were tall, but they didn’t reach the ceiling. She remembered the wise words of her best friend, Staura Latton: “When you’re at your lowest, the only place you can go is up.” And so, once Lord Fuzzy was safely asleep, K. Jirstan began to climb. Before you could say, “Staples. That was easy,” she was out of the cave and running far into the night.
After keeping up her excellent pace for about a mile, she suddenly heard a noise behind her. She stopped her highly attractive Baywatch sprint and spun around to see none other than the gorgeous, grinning, half-naked stable boy, Zefron.
“Well, well, well. If it isn’t the stunningly beautiful princess, K. Jirstan. What are you doing in this dark, dangerous, and somewhat seductive part of the woods? And in such incredible shoes! You always did have excellent taste, Princess. Is there anything I can do for you?” His soothing voice and sultry eyes were enough to put K. Jirstan at ease.
‘I can think of quite a few things you can do for me,’ she thought, but what she said was, “You have got to help me. There’s a giant panda on the loose, and we have to stop him!”
“A giant panda, you say? I know just the man to help us.” Zefron took K. Jirstan’s hand and began to lead her on a G-rated, musical path to victory. Not only did K. Jirstan feel comforted, but she began to realize that her high school experience would have been much more rewarding if only she had celebrated her peer's differences through song and dance.
They soon found themselves standing before a massive fortress.
“Go ahead. Ring the doorbell. The knight who lives here is strong and fierce. He will know exactly what to do,” said the half-naked Zefron.
K. Jirstan slowly approached the huge doors, reached out a trembling finger, and pressed the button.
She immediately dropped down…down…down…a long, slimy tunnel. It seemed to go on forever, until her ride came to an abrupt, unpleasant end. As she collected her wits and her breath, she raised her eyes upward to gaze upon the face of none other than Lord Fuzzy.
“You fool!!!” he cried as he threw her back into her new, improved, roofed, cage. “Zefron and I were all in this together the entire time!! Muah hahahahahaha!!!”
“Damn it!” thought our heroine. “I should have listened to the words of my dearly departed sister.” It was known throughout the kingdom that Mlake Bargaret was very wise in the ways of men, and one of her most beloved teachings was quoted throughout the land:
Straight men never compliment shoes unless they have an ulterior motive.
“I hate you and everything you stand for, giant panda,” our heroine, K. Jirstan glared.
“You shall refer to me as Lord Fuzzy, weakling!” exclaimed the giant panda…uh…I mean….Lord Fuzzy. “With your sister dead and you in my clutches, the Boudoir Kingdom will be mine forever!!”
‘Oh, he is so next winter’s fur coat,’ thought K. Jirstan. “Luckily, black and white is the new black.”
That night, she began to look for an escape. The bars of her cage were tall, but they didn’t reach the ceiling. She remembered the wise words of her best friend, Staura Latton: “When you’re at your lowest, the only place you can go is up.” And so, once Lord Fuzzy was safely asleep, K. Jirstan began to climb. Before you could say, “Staples. That was easy,” she was out of the cave and running far into the night.
After keeping up her excellent pace for about a mile, she suddenly heard a noise behind her. She stopped her highly attractive Baywatch sprint and spun around to see none other than the gorgeous, grinning, half-naked stable boy, Zefron.
“Well, well, well. If it isn’t the stunningly beautiful princess, K. Jirstan. What are you doing in this dark, dangerous, and somewhat seductive part of the woods? And in such incredible shoes! You always did have excellent taste, Princess. Is there anything I can do for you?” His soothing voice and sultry eyes were enough to put K. Jirstan at ease.
‘I can think of quite a few things you can do for me,’ she thought, but what she said was, “You have got to help me. There’s a giant panda on the loose, and we have to stop him!”
“A giant panda, you say? I know just the man to help us.” Zefron took K. Jirstan’s hand and began to lead her on a G-rated, musical path to victory. Not only did K. Jirstan feel comforted, but she began to realize that her high school experience would have been much more rewarding if only she had celebrated her peer's differences through song and dance.
They soon found themselves standing before a massive fortress.
“Go ahead. Ring the doorbell. The knight who lives here is strong and fierce. He will know exactly what to do,” said the half-naked Zefron.
K. Jirstan slowly approached the huge doors, reached out a trembling finger, and pressed the button.
She immediately dropped down…down…down…a long, slimy tunnel. It seemed to go on forever, until her ride came to an abrupt, unpleasant end. As she collected her wits and her breath, she raised her eyes upward to gaze upon the face of none other than Lord Fuzzy.
“You fool!!!” he cried as he threw her back into her new, improved, roofed, cage. “Zefron and I were all in this together the entire time!! Muah hahahahahaha!!!”
“Damn it!” thought our heroine. “I should have listened to the words of my dearly departed sister.” It was known throughout the kingdom that Mlake Bargaret was very wise in the ways of men, and one of her most beloved teachings was quoted throughout the land:
Straight men never compliment shoes unless they have an ulterior motive.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Chapter One: The Adventure Begins...
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young princess named K. Jirstan. She was a girl of simple pleasures: always happy to spend her days brushing her hair, picking flowers, and kicking ass at jousting and sword play. Until...the sun rose on a dark, dark day. (Wait…does that even make sense? Never mind.) K. Jirstan was taking an innocent stroll around the harmless castle when suddenly she became distracted by the young, gorgeous, half naked stable boy named Zefron. He grinned his winning grin at her, and she winked in response. K. Jirstan is notorious for being an excellent winker. However, in that one, rare, moment of weakness, K. Jirstan’s world suddenly went black.
When she came to, she found herself cold, alone, and disoriented…but never afraid. She seemed to be held captive in a giant cave, though she herself was in a cage, so further exploration was not an option. Just as the thought ‘who has done this to me?’ crossed her mind, she began to hear footsteps approach. Adrenaline surged though her as the steps became louder…louder…louder. Tension built. Step…step…step… Just as the suspense began to get a bit boring, her captor emerged into the light. K. Jirstan immediately knew she had been mistaken. Her kidnapper was no “who.” He was a “what.” For standing before her, in all his terror and might, was Him. Lord Fuzzy. The giant panda.
“Muah ha ha ha! Now I’ve got you right where I want you!” he laughed his evil laugh evilly.
“You are powerless against me!” K. Jirstan exclaimed. “I am not afraid!”
“Bitch, please.” Lord Fuzzy chuckled. “For it is I—I!—who caused the mysterious disappearance of your sister, Mlake Bargaret. They mystery is over! I kidnapped her, then drowned her in a giant vat of Frosty!”
“You fiend!” she cried.
“You have no idea. It wasn’t even chocolate!” he laughed.
“I hate you and everything you stand for, giant panda,” she glared.
...to be continued...
When she came to, she found herself cold, alone, and disoriented…but never afraid. She seemed to be held captive in a giant cave, though she herself was in a cage, so further exploration was not an option. Just as the thought ‘who has done this to me?’ crossed her mind, she began to hear footsteps approach. Adrenaline surged though her as the steps became louder…louder…louder. Tension built. Step…step…step… Just as the suspense began to get a bit boring, her captor emerged into the light. K. Jirstan immediately knew she had been mistaken. Her kidnapper was no “who.” He was a “what.” For standing before her, in all his terror and might, was Him. Lord Fuzzy. The giant panda.
“Muah ha ha ha! Now I’ve got you right where I want you!” he laughed his evil laugh evilly.
“You are powerless against me!” K. Jirstan exclaimed. “I am not afraid!”
“Bitch, please.” Lord Fuzzy chuckled. “For it is I—I!—who caused the mysterious disappearance of your sister, Mlake Bargaret. They mystery is over! I kidnapped her, then drowned her in a giant vat of Frosty!”
“You fiend!” she cried.
“You have no idea. It wasn’t even chocolate!” he laughed.
“I hate you and everything you stand for, giant panda,” she glared.
...to be continued...
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